Funny Cat Jokes

Put the Cat Out Joke

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A husband and wife decided to go out to dinner one night. They were all ready to go, including putting out the cat, when the taxi cab arrived. But as they opened the door, the cat ran back inside.

The wife went to the cab to wait while her husband went back inside to find the cat. She didn't want the cab driver to know the house was empty, so she said, "My husband just went back inside to say goodbye to his mother."

The husband finally came back out and got in the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "She was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a broom to get her to come out."

The Law of …

Cat Inertia

A cat at rest tends to stay at rest, unless acted upon by an outside force (such as a nearby scurrying mouse or the opening of a cat food can).

Electric Blanket Attraction

Turning on an electric blanket causes a cat to jump into bed at the speed of light.

Cat Elongation

A cat can elongate its body enough to reach any counter top which has anything remotely interesting on it.

Cat Embarrassment

A cat's embarrassment X the amount of human laughter = the cat's irritation level.

Cat Motion

A cat moves in a straight line unless it has a really good reason to change direction.

Cat Magnetism

Blue and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the yarn.

Refrigerator Observation

A cat knows that if it stares at a refrigerator long enough, a human will come along and take out something good to eat.

Cat Thermodynamics

Heat will flow from a warm body to a cool body, except in the case of a cat where heat always flows to the cat.

Cat Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance is in direct proportion to a human's desire for it to do something.

Cat Stretching

The distance of a cat's stretch is directly proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Cat Dinner Table Attendance

A cat must attend all meals where anything food is being served.

Cat Sleeping

Cats must sleep with people if at all possible, in a position which is uncomfortable for the person(s) involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Cat Obstruction

A cat must lie on the floor in a position which will obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Rug Configuration

A rug cannot remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Cat Random Comfort Seeking

A cat always seeks and will usually take over the spot which is most comfortable in any given room.

Energy Conservation - Law 1

Cats are aware that energy can not be created or destroyed. They, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Energy Conservation - Law 2

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by hours of napping.

Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch your furniture is in direct proportion to the cost of the furniture.

Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level is in reverse proportion to the amount of effort put out by a human who is trying to interest it.

Bag / Box Occupancy

All bags of boxes in a given room must be occupied by a cat.

Cat Fluid Displacement

When immersed in milk, a cat will displace its own volume, minus the amount of milk it consumes.

Milk Consumption

A cat will drink its (Weight-in-Milk)², just to show you it can.

Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place available. This is often the stomach of a reclining, unsuspecting human.

Cat Composition

A cat's composition is: Matter + Anti Matter + It Doesn't Matter

Short Cat Jokes

Definition. Cat (n.): Small, furry, four legged extortionists.

Definition. Human (n): Useful domestic animal, popular with cats.

Cats really do know how we feel. They don't care, but they know.

Dogs come when called; cats have answering machines.

Cat motto:
Make it look like the dog did it.

An extremely expensive way to find your missing hamster:
Cat Scan

How does a cat keep law and order?
Claw Enforcement.

What do you call anything that is not nailed down?
A cat toy.

What do you call interactive TV for cats?
An aquarium

Dogs think they're human. Cats don't stoop that low.

What do they give the winner of the cat beauty contest?
A catastrophe.

What do you call it when you're afraid that your cat is up to something?
Purranoia.

Of course the laundry's clean. The cat's sitting on it, isn't he?

What do you call a mentally challenged lion?
A leotard.

What do cats put on their hot dogs?
Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.

What do cats have for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon.
A sour puss.

What do you call cats that like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

What is a cat's favorite magazine?
Good Mousekeeping.